Posted by: Ashley Baker | June 1, 2012

Ten Things NOT To Do To Your Cat

  1. Get Them Drunk
    1. I know it’s funny to see them run into walls and fall off things, but remember what people are like when they have a hangover? Now think about how your cat will be with a hangover. And how much your cat will want to kill you after it sobers up.
  2. Cut Their Whiskers
    1. This has much the same effect as getting the drunk, only it lasts longer because it’ll take a while for their whiskers to grow back. When I was a kid I did this to a cat. She ran away the first chance she got after that. So if you like your cat, you might not want to do this. Of course, some cats will forgive their owners, but the Cat Gods might not be as forgiving.
  3. Bathe Them
    1. Unless your cat loves water or is declawed (which is not recommended in any case), you probably don’t want to bathe them unless you have a death wish. You can’t see my arms, but they are proof that bathing cats is a lot like visiting your in-laws—you’ll get torn up and you’ll be feeling the pain for weeks.
  4. Tickle Their Feet
    1. Cats don’t like their feet being touched. Sure, it’s funny to poke their feet while they’re sleeping. The way they twitch away from you is enough to leave some of the people I know in stitches (and, since they then wake up the cats, I have no doubt a few of them needed literal stitches). Put on some leather gloves before attempting this. Or, you know, find someone you don’t like and dare them to do it.
  5. Hold Their Toys Hostage
    1. If you think I’m joking, you’re wrong. Try holding a toy mouse hostage with a hyper cat on the loose. Go on, try it. If your hands aren’t mutilated within five minutes, please tell me how you do it.
  6. Taunt Them With Milk
    1. Or bacon, or anything they might like. Just don’t. Heck, if you can help it, don’t eat in the same room as them. My cats climb all over me and make off with my BLT. And all they leave me is the tomatoes! (Yeah, they like lettuce and bread.)
  7. Give Them Your House Keys After Rubbing Their Tummy
    1. A cat will do one of two things with your house keys. They might a) drag them under the bed/bat them under the stove, or b) they might lock you out of the house. They just want you to think they can’t do things like that, but they can. My cats have house parties every time they’re home alone. Unfortunately they found the video and destroyed the camera before I could upload it.
  8. Shave Them
    1. You’ve seen those cats shaved down like Poodles. Every last one of them has an evil glint in their eye, and if you can’t tell what that means, it’s basically a sign that they’re going to make sure they kill you painfully. They might walk on your eyes in your sleep first (this has happened to me), or sit on your chest to make it hard to breathe, but just know those are just the first steps to them killing you or turning you into a robot.
  9. Teach Them How To Swim
    1. This goes along with #3. Unless they love water or they’re declawed, you’re not going to have much luck. And even a declawed cat isn’t going to stand for you trying to teach them how to swim. It messes up their nice clean fur that they JUST finished washing. And you put them in the pool? The smell of chlorine will never come out!
  10. Lock Them In The Bathroom
    English: Two cats in a bathroom; Moxie attacks...

    Two cats in a bathroom
    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    1. Cats will get into everything. Mine tear up the toilet paper, open the closet door, drink out of the toilet, andI’d hate to know what else they do. They probably pee in the sink. Only the chances of them doing that because they’re drunk is slim,because if they’re drunk, they’re not going to be able to jump up to the sink anyway.

DISCLAIMER: By trying any of the above things you do so knowing that Sleepy Kitten Productions is not responsible for any injuries you gain from your actions.

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