Posted by: Ashley Baker | June 5, 2012

Ten Things Guys Say To Girls That DON’T End Well

English: A colorful depiction of Maslow's Hier...

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

 

  1. “You have something on your face… is that… is that a zit?!”
    1. Guys, no girl likes imperfections on her face pointed out. If you notice it, pretend you don’t. She will plot her revenge on you if you dare mention it, even if it’s NOT a zit, and even if there’s really nothing on her face and you were just joking.
  2. “How many boyfriends have you had?” or “How many guys have you slept with?”
    1. If you can’t guess why you should never ask either of these questions, you obviously aren’t intelligent enough to breed. So please, go get neutered before it’s too late.
  3. “I have a really big…”
    1. Stop. Stop RIGHT there. I don’t care if you’re about to say you have a really big cake in your fridge. And if you say you have a boner, I sure hope your mother isn’t around to hear you say it. Or your grandmother. (shudder) I don’t know about most girls, but I really, really don’t want to know how big anything you have is unless I’m actually dating you. And sometimes then I don’t really want to know. Especially if you’re a jerk like my second boyfriend…
  4. “You are SO hot/sexy.”
    1. Any girl with self respect would stop talking to you immediately and permanently if you ever said this to her, even in a joking way. Why? Because it labels a woman as a sex toy/slave/plaything. And we get enough of that as it is without the added help from assholes.
  5. “You should lose some weight.” or “You’re fat.”
    1. Even if you’re saying this to your daughter… don’t say it. It will take years for them to regain their self-image and many turn to anorexia or bulimia. Or cutting. I turned to cutting personally, even though that didn’t help with losing weight at all. (That was quite a few years ago, though.) Just don’t say it. Especially if you know they’ve got depression on top of demolished self-esteem.
  6. “Want to have a threesome with my best friend (female name here)?”
    1. The answer is more than likely no. Frankly this tends to make girls think you want to have sex with your best female friend, and that you simply want an excuse to do it without it being cheating. Unless you’ve known the girl a while and you’ve proven to her that you’re NOT a dick who just wants to have sex with everyone… probably not the best idea.
  7. “Well if you won’t do it, I know your sister/best friend/whatever will.”
    1. Congratulations, your secret affair is no longer secret. I hope you have your car in a safe place. It’s not that hard to figure out how to get into a car, pop the hood and pour in some sugar to mess things up.
  8. “Why don’t you wear makeup?”
    1. This translates to, “You’re ugly and I’m only using you for sex.” Don’t say it. Do. Not. Say. It. I’d give you an idea of what you could say, but I’m not here to help you with dating advice. I’m just here to entertain the masses and help myself recover from about 15 years of depression.
  9. “Why can’t you be more like my ex?”
    1. Simply put, it’s because she’s not your ex. And she’s probably less of a whore than your ex. Yeah, I went there.
  10. “So, where’s my birthday present?”
    1. This is even worse to say if you broke up with her/she broke up with you before your birthday. Or on your birthday. Seriously, don’t count on a present. Some girls will set your pants on fire. (I know I would. Ha ha, dance! Dance like your pants are on fire! … Oh, wait, they are.)

DISCLAIMER: Sleepy Kitten Productions does not encourage you to destroy anyone’s car for any reason. If you decide to do so anyway, you acknowledge that SKP will not be held responsible if/when you get caught and thrown in jail.

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