Posted by: Ashley Baker | June 25, 2012

Ten Ways To Determine If Your Neighbor Is A Zombie

English: Zombie Walk 2010 - Curitiba

English: Zombie Walk 2010 – Curitiba (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  1. Eating Flesh
    1. If your neighbor is eating a juicy human leg in your front yard, it’s a pretty good indication that they’re a zombie. (This reference comes from Choice of Zombies, for those who don’t remember.) I mean, unless your neighbor is a cannibal. And in that case, why are you living next door to a cannibal?
  2. Poor Hygiene
    1. Once you’re undead, things like wearing nice clothes, brushing your teeth, and having your limbs attached to your body simply don’t matter. Though, you might not want to kill everyone with yellow teeth, especially if they’re a smoker. The police force still isn’t convinced it’s the apocalypse yet.
  3. Unresponsive
    1. If all they do is grunt and groan, they’re probably a zombie. Do not confuse this with moaning. If they’re moaning and saying weird things like, “Oh, yeah, baby,” then that’s probably a hooker in your front bushes with your neighbor, and you should probably call the cops. And you might want to burn the bush afterward.
  4. Pale Skin Tone
    1. Most undead creatures have extremely pale complexions and clammy skin. Vampires do, too, so you might want to try shooting them in the heart first, preferably with a silver bullet or a wooden stake. If that doesn’t work, it’s probably a zombie, and hopefully not one of those running zombies. Or it could just be that really shy girl on the corner that never comes out of the house because when she does, she gets a horrible sunburn that requires medical attention. So you should probably get to know your neighbors a bit before the apocalypse.
  5. Dull Expression
    1. You know that look you get when someone has been on the phone with a telemarketer for three hours because they just don’t understand the concept of hanging up, and they look like they’re bored enough for their brain to jump out of their skull? Yeah, that’s about the same expression a zombie will have, only they won’t be using a phone.
  6. Mummy Walk
    1. You’ve seen how mummies walk in the cartoons, with their strange gait that’s usually kind of slow, and their arms are held out in front of them. A lot of people do this when they’re looking for a wall during a blackout, but if there’s no blackout, it’s time to back away and get a weapon. (Have you ever wondered what’s under a mummy’s bandages? …it’s a zombie.)
  7. Dead Pain Receptors
    1. Now, some people have a delayed pain response, but if you cut off their hand and they don’t start screaming in agony, they’re a zombie. Don’t talk to me about how they might just be on bath salts, because that’s what turned them into a zombie in the first place. Just destroy the head and get out of there before you’re next.
  8. Poor Coordination
    1. Zombies are notorious for being just like a disoriented person—walking into walls, tripping over thin air, and furthermore just really sucking at moving. If you’re a clumsy person, stay inside your house during the apocalypse so that the zombie hunters don’t kill you.
  9. Superhuman strength
    1. Ha ha, this one is a lie. How is a zombie going to lift a car if both its arms are falling off? They are, at best, a more threatening version of a toddler with a baseball bat. And I only say they’re more threatening than that because if a toddler hits you with a bat, you’re either knocked out or dead. If a zombie bites you, you’re probably going to turn in to a zombie and eat the rest of your family.
  10. Avoiding Open Flames
    1. Everyone knows that zombies are susceptible to being burned alive (er… dead), being blown up (hand grenades should be fine), and having their head bashed in or cut off (try a chain saw).

Congratulations! If you’ve made it to this point, that means you’ve either killed some zombies or a couple of innocent people that have really bad insomnia, horrible balance, and pathetic hygiene. There might have been a few Goths in the mix, too. But hopefully if they weren’t zombies, the police will let you off with a minimum sentence.

Disclaimer: If you kill anyone, zombie or not, Sleepy Kitten Productions is no responsible for whether you go to jail or not. We will not bail you out or act as your attorney. You have been warned.

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