Posted by: Ashley Baker | February 4, 2013

Royale What In The World?

Hey everyone! I know, it’s been forever since I last made a post here. Almost makes you amazed I remember the password, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I thought I’d tip you all off to my day yesterday. For those who don’t know, it was Superbowl Sunday yesterday, and no I didn’t watch it. I don’t understand it enough to care too much about it right now. But that’s all right, because my day was much more exciting this way.

Yesterday I spent all day with a good friend of mine, WMS. Had some good laughs yesterday. That’s not really what I wanted to tell you about, but a little back story is needed for this to make sense.

So, WMS and DH are brothers and their dad is moving out of town. While doing more last minute looking through things that they owned when they lived there, one of them found this little bottle of some sort of alcoholic beverage. Charmbeauox Royale or something along those lines. The thing was at least five years old and was probably in the attic or hiding in a closet somewhere. I ended up keeping the bottle because I thought it was cute.

But since WMS and his dad were being crazy and found some of those MRE (I think that’s the right abbreviation) packs out in the shed that had cookies and tootsie rolls in the little vacuum sealed bags, I figured, hey, why not take a sip of whatever this horrid looking alcohol that smells like old overripe cranberries is. It tasted like crap. After that I just dumped the rest out and rinsed it a bit so I could keep the bottle.

I didn’t drink enough to even get tipsy, but my sober mind sure didn’t act sober much longer after that. First thing that happened after we got back to where WMS and DH live now and unpacked my car, oh it was just… anyway, WMS was using my thigh as a prop up for his leg (nothing unusual there, he does that all the time) but for some reason when I looked at his foot my mind just came up with a horrible, twisted version of “This Little Piggy.” You want to hear it? If not just close this window now. For those who have never heard the original, here’s how it’s supposed to go:

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
This little piggy went “wee, wee, wee” all the way home.

My version goes:

This little piggy went to Walmart,
This little piggy did drugs.
This little piggy ate pork chops,
This little piggy watch porn.
And this little piggy got eaten by a dragon. OMNOMNOM.

English: A rubber duck. Français : Un canard e...

English: A rubber duck. Français : Un canard en plastique de couleur jaune. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I actually did the little wiggling the toe thing to WMS while I was saying it too. Made him so uncomfortable, it was hilarious. I don’t know if he could understand what I was saying, I really sounded like I had an entire bottle of alcohol with how much I was laughing while trying to say it.

Then later after I got home I was talking to a friend of mine that I met on Reddit, CV, and I was mentioning I worried about him when he gets drunk and the first thing that popped into my head to say to him after I told him to be careful while drinking was, “Don’t have sex with toilet paper.” After that I told him my sober mind wasn’t acting sober anymore and went to bed.

The last thing that happened was, as I was trying to go to sleep, I started imagining a rubber ducky named Jack the Angry Duck and it had a propeller coming out of its back like you see on a toy helicopter and that’s how he flied.
The moral of the story is don’t drink strange liquids that are probably half a decade or more old.

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